I am no longer confused. Answers are clear. They’ve been confirmed.
Initially, I didn’t want to do this because I was protecting myself from getting hurt. Building walls and only allowing the most deserving of people to see through all of my most intimate layers; it was a safe and accurate mechanism to spare me from any heartbreak.
I’d had my fair share of acts of betrayal. None caused because I genuinely deserved the mistreatment. Within time I learned that people are cruel… especially those who you think and believe will do you no wrong.
I thought I was right. My intuition could do no wrong. It wouldn’t allow me to walk into the situation blind.
I’ve been fooled.
“LOVE,” (I encourage you to notice the quotation marks) plays a lot of games. It may portray something good that’s unheatlthy. It can also hurt from time to time. But most importantly. Love will blind-sight you… making you see things you want to believe and ignore and tuck-away the things you don’t want to acknowledge.
Call me, Victim.
As embarassed as I am to admit it, it happened. I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into when I agreed to pursue this relationship and those EXACT doubts or horrible occurances I assumed or wished not to happen DID. It bit me right BACK in the ass. I was slammed from left-field and left stunned. Speechless, my only release was to cry. It was something that I knew. Something that felt close to home. It felt comfortable… the crying. Still, I ‘m in a state of shock.
The answer was clear. It was right in front of me. As clear as could be. I knew the smartest thing to do was walk away and never turn back. I had missed this train on multiple occassions and I knew this would be my last. It SHOULD’VE been my last. I desperately wanted in on the oppurtunity and wanted a way out.
A way out and an unofficial confirmation that ended the hurt. That was it… I reached the end.
I was stupid to believe you. Stupid to let you believe I was a fool because you treated me like one. I was a fool to you. Gullible. Naive. You lied to my face and denied my claims even though I was right. I caught you… and you knew it. You denied a murder with weapons in your hand, blood on your shirt, guilt in your eyes… and you STILL, even if it was for a split second…. denied everything. Claimed you had nothing to do with it even though all the evidence was in front of me… the weapons. the blood. … the GUILT.
Denied the app, the messages… everything. How dare you.
You’ve been keeping this secret for months. I, was never enough. Everything I did, was never enough. You searched for satisfaction elsewhere. Conscious or not. Drunk or not. Sober or not. NO MATTER the intention. You still did it. Not even on just ONE occassion. You did it multiple times. During a span on months. While you were with me. I can’t believe it.
You’re guilty. One guilty mother fucker.
The names used between those girls and I were no different. I was their equal and they were mine. Nothing distinguished us. Since then, I have re-evaluated my value you to you.
I am only a factor of convenience.
I don’ t believe your intent BECAUSE IF YOU TRULY BELIEVED THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING WASN’T WRONG… why did you lie to me and deny it… ON DIFFERENT AND MULTIPLE OCCASSIONS… to my face.
I trusted you and believed that you’d be the last person to ever hurt me. Yet, you commited the WORST crime. YOU WRONGED ME. YOU HURT ME BEYOND REPAIR.
I feel misused, underappreciated and INSUFFICIENT. I’m obviously not capable of satisfying you. What I was/am and what I was doing didn’t suffice. I feel disposable and temporary.
I’m in a state of disbelief. I remain this way.
I allowed you into my life, a gift within itself. I opened myself up to you. I sacrificed my mind, body, and soul. I did my best to make you happy. I was consumed by you, only out of love. BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE WORTHY OF IT. Worthy of my love, like I thought I was worthy of yours.
Truthfully, you don’t deserve a second chance. You don’t deserve even the last and the one before. You don’t know what love is because you don’t APPRECIATE it. You don’t see.the good thing you have in front of you. You claim that you love me because it pains you to see me hurt, YET you do an excellent job at hurting me.
What did I do to deserve this?
You chose those invaluable rocks over a rare diamond. You fucked up…
Overall and despite the circumstances. I appreciate you. I appreciate all that you do, your visible efforts, the light you’ve shined into my life, and much more. No, the conversations we’ve had didn’t mean anything… they’ve meant everything to me, to us. And surprisingly, I still love you. But I swore to myself I’d never love a cheater and/or a liar.
I want you to realize the severity of your actions and the pain you’ve caused me.
There’s so much more I want to say but my mind continues to drift to an alternative reality where this never happened. Where I never picked up that phone and saw what was the end to our trust, our relationship.
No relationship is perfect and I never envisioned ours would be. But a relationship involves STRICTLY two indivuduals. Not two, plus some little nothing on the side. Or two, plus your fantasy celebrity crush. Etc. A relationship is STRICTLY you and I.
What is thoroughly defined above is reason for the extent of my hurt and anger. Please understand that.
Please, give me time and I will give you yours. Understand that I can no longer find it in my heart to look at you and trust you the same ever again. Paranoia runs deep… I will forever assume that something’s up. I’m not the one to blame for this obsession. You’ve negatively affected both parties and you only have yourself to blame.
Green, I say to you this and this only.
If you truly love me, prove it. Show that you want me. More so, that you need me. Show me that you/you’ll miss me. Prove to me that you’ll never fuck up again and transform it into a blood-bound promise, to the death. Recognize your faults and learn from them. Learn that the best thing that ever happened to you almost walked out the door. Take a step back and see if those split second “hollers” at those girls for a quick, superficial fix was worth seeing someone who’s GENUINE, almost walk out on you. REAL > UNREAL. Sign up for AA classes. You need them. Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. You’re a pig when you’re piss drunk. Realize that it’s not all fun and games. Be serious.
Most of all, I need to see why YOU believe it’s worth it for me to COME BACK TO YOU. You know I do, but I need to see/hear it from you.
The easiest has yet to come. I have spared you the period of worry and confusion. I have blatantly laid out what I want and need to see.
You know what I want and where I stand… but where do you stand?
stand with me, not beside me
set me free and stand away from me
Whatever this very moment brings and where ever this may lead us… know that we are stronger as inviduals.
And, thank you for making me happy… even if this means it was only for awhile.